First Day of Forever 210620

I realised this a while ago and I knew I had to let go. I was always reluctant to put it into writing because I knew that that minute I wrote it down, it became real and it meant that I could not lie to myself or escape it anymore. And this is hard. It is so freaking hard. It's so much easier to hold on to what you are familiar with even if it hurts you, because at least there is certainty and you know what's going to happen next, even if it's not what you want. Letting go means having to face uncertainty. And that uncertainty can mean growth, but it also can mean pain and having to start again from square one. It means I have to unlearn everything that I have learnt over the last few years. It means I have to think about the impact of all of those years on my mental health, and forgive myself so that I have the chance to move on.

It's so easy to be like YEP this is the moment that I am going to make that change in my life and go forward, but it's not easy. It's not easy when you're all alone with your thoughts and all you crave is familiarity. It's not easy when no one knows about the battle that you are fighting on the inside and you have to pretend like there is no problem at all. It is not easy to have to force yourself to believe that you can be better. It is not easy to forgive yourself. You cannot forget the past. It exists. I need to learn to live with it. I need to learn to live with myself.

So, now that this is in writing, I want to hold myself accountable. Everytime I fail I want to hold myself to account, so that I can see it in front of me that I have failed AGAIN and hopefully that guilt will stop me from repeating my mistakes for the millionth time. I also want to document all the times I feel okay. All the times that I do succeed, and show myself that I CAN be the person I want to be and I AM WORTHY. 

I deserve this. I need this. Bismillah. Here is the first day of my forever.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The string of thoughts

Tonight. 12.51am to be precise. Crazy right? It's never easy to face the true fears that lie within your deepest self. Maybe that's why I kept ignoring it, pretending that it never existed. But I was wrong. The turnstile of life draws the most vulnerable and true parts of you out, and yet I fail to see that I am limited. I am limited by myself. It's almost impossible for me to acknowledge the reality at times, to say for once that I may well and truly desire to explore beyond that which I have been given. Why, still, do I remain trapped? Do these words I let flow even create fathomable sentences? Is this the reason I was brought into this admittedly small and time bound world which will eventually consume me before pledging to another soul?  These question I pose, I leave for myself to answer but realise how much more confused it only makes me. That emptiness. It's eating me away leaving me lost and open to a soul of darkness and falsity. But then, it is I who brought u
Read more

Two steps forward, one step back.

Many believe that it is an important step in life to keep moving forward and never look back. I don't understand what seems to be so wrong and abominable to take a step back and reflect. We may not be shaped by our past, however it has composed us to be who we currently are. Whenever we move forward in life, it's quite important to stop, turn back and see where we came from. Our only measure of success is with the reflection of who we were yesterday. Why must we be told to forget our previous doings, whether good or bad? We quite definitely have the capability to walk a million miles in our own shoes, however as we begin to gain comfort in our shoes, we must remember what has brought about this difference. Let our past be the movie we turn to in the moments of forgetting who we are. From now on wards, it's two steps forward yet one step back.
Read more

It is our determination.

Peace isn't when war ends. The war ends when peace prevails. It is our alter ego that resents us from the truth, forcing us to believe that we lack the control of being able to initiate peace amongst ourselves. However this inner discomfort shall remain embered until we are able to find the serenity within us that can calm the fight that lies within. We solely have the power to decide how we wish to continue our life. Although not all the variables in life remain in our hands, it is our mentality towards the way in which we respond that allows the prevalence of inner happiness. Our minds remain trapped until our hearts are able to speak and fend for the truth. Why should we not allow ourselves to chase after the happiness we yearn? Yes, patience is a virtue and good things come to those who wait, however it is our choice, our ability, to search for that which is needed to calm the raging fight. The mind does not control the soul, until the soul agrees to be enslaved by the mind. Le
Read more